DragonBall Z Abridged Movie: Dead Zone/Transcript
DISCLAIMER KAISERNEKO: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cut to Piccolo in a rocky area) PICCOLO: RAAAAAGH! (blows up giant rock formations with his scream) (thinking) Perfect. Now I have a place to put my castle once I rule the world. And it'll have all the things a castle requires. Like walls...and subjects. (out loud) Maybe even a tribu-- Huh? (notices a shadowy figure heading towards him) (thinking) Wait, are they running on air? (looks behind and sees another shadowy figure behind him) That's ridiculous, they're flying! Why would they ever even need to-- (a third shadowy figure uppercuts him from below) OH, GOD! NIKKI: F**k him up! (the three shadowy figures attack Piccolo) From the front! SANSHO: To the back! PICCOLO: Oh, you better just KILL me! (sees four shadowy figure preparing to attack) ...Shit. (The three shadowy figures simultaneously fires a blast at Piccolo, who screams as all three blasts connect. Cut to Kami inside his Lookout.) KAMI: OH! MR. POPO: (from outside) You okay in there, Kami? KAMI: Mr. Popo, I believe...that Piccolo may have been slain! MR. POPO: (from outside) I think you'd know if he were! ...You still there? KAMI: Yes. MR. POPO: (from outside) Then he ain't dead, is he, Drama Queen? KAMI: But you don't understand! MR. POPO: (from outside) Drama Queen! KAMI: I think Garlic Junior may have-- MR. POPO: (from outside) Drama Queeeeeeeeeen... (is heard walking away) KAMI: Mmm... Garlic Jr.'s back. ("DragonBall Z Abridged: Lord Slug" logo first appears on the screen and then disappears to show the text "Dead Zone") (cut to Gohan in the forest) GOHAN: (reading "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn") "Miss Watson, she kept pecking at me, and it got tiresome and lonesome. By and by, they fetched the nig--" Huh, that's not a word I've ever heard before. Oh, well. "They fetched the nig--" CHI-CHI: (from inside the house) Gohan, lunch is ready! Come help me set the table! GOHAN: Oh, yay! And Dad's gone fishing! Which means I'll get seconds! (Gohan closes his book and then cuts to Goku underwater who seems to hear this and immediately jumps out of the water, naked and holding the tail fin of a fish. Cut back to Gohan walking toward his house.) GOHAN: Huh? OX-KING: Hey! Gohan! GOHAN: Grandpa Ox! CHI-CHI: (walks out the front door) Oh, Daddy! What are you doing here? OX-KING: I wanted to drop by and see my grandson! Also, money for you guys to live! CHI-CHI: Thank you, Daddy! OX-KING: I also brought you a gift, Gohan! GOHAN: *gasps* A puppy! OX-KING: BOOKS! GOHAN: (eyes narrowed, in an uninterested tone) Yay... CHI-CHI: Oh, I'm sure he'll love them. Won't you, Goha-- (a book falls on Gohan's head) Daddy? GOHAN: Grandpa? Grandpa? (the Ox-King collapses and almost falls on Gohan) Mom.. Mom! MOM! (runs to Chi-Chi) Mommy! Grandpa's having a stroke! CHI-CHI: Huh? (notices a cloaked hooded figure) GINGER: Hi. CHI-CHI: Gohan, go inside immediately! NIKKI: (is waiting inside the house) Oh, yeah! Come on in! (eats a bunch of pears) CHI-CHI: (thinking) Son of a bitch just ate my pears. (out loud) ''You know we don't have a car, right?! That's like a ten mile Nimbus ride to the nearest city! For pears! You have ten seconds to tell me what you want before I strangle you with that cowl! '''GINGER:' I want the DragonBall! Give me the kid! CHI-CHI: What? You can't have my son. You just want the DragonBall, right? GINGER: Don't question my f**king methods! F**k it! I'm taking your dad! (lifts up the Ox-King a bit then drops him) He's a f**king fatass! Forget it! I'm gonna take your kid! SANSHO: (off-screen) Yo, Ginger... GINGER: Oh, right! Dragon Ball, too! Please! ...If you wouldn't mind. CHI-CHI: I do. GINGER: Too f**king bad! CHI-CHI: Enough of this! (charges at GInger only to get knocked down easily) GOHAN: Mommy! GINGER: Ha-ha! F**king what? (cut to Goku running while carrying the fish and arriveing on the scene to find Chi-Chi on the ground) GOKU: Chi-Chi! I heard lunch! What happened?! CHI-CHI: Goku, they took-- GOKU: Our lunch? CHI-CHI: No. They took...our so-- GOKU: Oh, hey. Your dad's here. Hi, Ox-King! CHI-CHI: Focus! They took...Gohan! GOKU: Aw, man! I can't have him miss lunch! It's the fourth most important meal of the day! Right after brunch...but right before linner. ...Love me some linner, though. So I'ma go get Gohan back. We'll be back in time for linner. Chicken and waffles? Chicken and waffles. (the Ox-King coughs) Oh, and some for your dad. (cut to inside garlic Jr's castle) GARLIC JR.: So let me get this straight. I sent you shitfits off to find me a Dragon Ball, and you bring back a toddler? SANSHO: Well, we did bring back the DragonBall! GARLIC JR.: And a toddler! Did you try, I don't know, taking off the hat? NIKKI: Well, we thought about it on the way back, but it really brings the whole Chinese Prince look together. GINGER: And he's your size. You can ROCK that shit! GARLIC JR.: ...Fair enough. GOHAN: My daddy's not gonna let you get away with this! GINGER: Big f**kin' whoop! We beat Piccolo, and that guy's strong as shit! GOHAN: Yeah? So did my dad! GINGER: By himself?! GOHAN: Yeah! GARLIC JR.: (realizes there's only one man strong enough to defeat Piccolo) Oh God, your father's Goku. OH MY GOD, YOU MORONS STOLE GOKU'S KID?! HOW?! HOW DID YOU STEAL GOKU'S KID?! NIKKI: Well, first we beat up his wife... GARLIC JR.: Oh, my shit... Okay, look. New plan: get the last two DragonBalls. NOW! NIKKI: Oh, yeah! We'll just go off, scour the globe, and be back before linner! *laughs* You know, it's not like they make a radar for this shit... (cut to inside Kame House with Goku and the gang looking at the Dragon Radar) GOKU: Oh, yeah. Someone is collecting the DragonBalls. BULMA: Why'd they take Gohan? GOKU: I don't know. Maybe they just want a good ol'-fashioned Goku fanny-whoopin'! BULMA: "Fanny"? GOKU: Chi-Chi doesn't like us to swear. BULMA: "Butt" isn't a swear! GOKU: ...The HFIL you talkin' about? (cut to Nikki chasing Gohan around the castle) NIKKI: COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE SHITPLIN!!!! GOHAN: No! You smell like hairspray and shea butter! NIKKI: Swear to God, I don't know how I got put in charge of babysitting. I need something to take the edge off. (grabs and bites an apple, then gets smacked from behind by Gohan) GOHAN: You're it! (takes off) NIKKI: I will slap FIRE FROM YOU! I swear to God... (walks upstairs and finds Gohan) Oh, good. There you are. Now, be a good little crotch spawn and let's go back to your room! GOHAN: I'm hungry! NIKKI: Ah, well, maybe I can make you a peanut butter, jelly, and ether sandwich, and-- (Gohan pulls out an apple from his robe) Where did you get that apple? GOHAN: In the tree. NIKKI: Don't eat that apple! GOHAN: I'ma eat the apple. NIKKI: Don't eat that apple! GOHAN: I'ma eat the apple! NIKKI: DO...NOT...EAT...THAT A-- (Gohan eats the hole apple) Oh, balls... Well, I hope you packed your bags, kid. Because you're about to go on a TRIP... (Gohan goes on a trip that would make Alice's trip in Wonderland jealous before cutting to him spacing out) (cut to Ginger and Sansho returning to the castle) GINGER: Got the last motherf**kin' balls! (cut to all seven DragonBalls together and glowing) GARLIC JR.: Got to say, I'm sort of impressed. How did you find them so fast? GINGER: Prize in a high stakes poker game! GARLIC JR.: Wow. Never thought you had a poker face. GINGER: Never said I played! GARLIC JR.: Once again, fair enough. (they summon Shenron, the eternal dragon) SHENRON: I am the eternal dragon. Make your wish, and I shall--''' '''GARLIC JR.: MAKE ME IMMORTAL! SHENRON: OH! R-really? Wow! I can't remember the last time someone actually nutted up and asked for that! Congrats! Can't wait to hear how you f**k this up. GARLIC JR.: Wait, the hell's that mean? SHENRON: It means YOUR WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED! (makes Garlic Junior immortal and disappears) GARLIC JR.: Yes! YES! I can feel it! With this eternal body, I shall enslave the world and rule it with great prejudice and terror! Hail Garlic Jr.! HAIL ME! (starts walking inside his castle) MINIONS: HAIL GARLIC JR.! HAIL GARLIC JR.! GOKU: HEY, GARLIC JR.! MINIONS: HEY, GARLIC JR.! Huh? (they all turn around to look at Goku) GOKU: I am Son Goku! And your name sounds yummy! GARLIC JR.: I have been told. GOKU: So, uh... Did you guys steal my kid? GINGER: Yup! F**kin' Amber Alert up in here! NIKKI: Oh, don't worry about him, he's just high in the throne room. GOKU: Joke's on you! I can fly! GINGER: ...I think he's f**kin' dumb. KAMI: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (drops in from the sky) GARLIC JR.: And then there's THIS asshole! KAMI: Oh, hello, Goku. What are you doing here? GOKU: They stole my kid. KAMI: Mm. GARLIC JR.: I'm quite surprised you're still alive, Kami! I believe the last time we talked was... Oh, when was that? Oh, right. When you BANISHED my father to another DIMENSION! KAMI: Oh, Garlic Jr.. How awful to see you again. You're looking grotesque as always. GARLIC JR.: Oh, hi there, kettle, name's pot! Have we met? KAMI: Listen, Goku. Just go after your son. I'll handle Garlic Jr.. GOKU: Thank God! KAMI: You're welcome. (Goku dashes past Garlic Jr. and heads inside the castle) GINGER: Catch that bitch! (takes off after Goku) NIKKI: Slow your roll, champ! (also takes off after Goku) SANSHO: Hey, yo, wait for me! I'm bigger than y'all! (follows his comrades and takes off after Goku) (Garlic Jr. and Kami stare at each other before cutting to Goku inside the castle) GOKU: Man, left in such a hurry, I accidentally skipped lunch! Maybe this place has a cafeteria. No, it's a castle. (stops in the middle of the hall) A meatery? (begins running up the stairs only for Garlic Junior's minions to block his path) GINGER: You want some food? We can hook you up! How 'bout some motherf**kin' ginger?! NIKKI: Or maybe some cinnamon?! SANSHO: I got some pepper for you. You like pepper? GOKU: Hey, those aren't foods! Those are things you put ON foods! GINGER: Like GINGERBREAD?! NIKKI: Or CINNABUNS?! SANSHO: I-I got nothin', um... (pause) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGS! (all three minions bulk up) GOKU: Okay, now you're just making me hungry! And you wouldn't like me when I'm-- (gets attacked by the minions) Wait! Ahh! (hits a pillar and then gets back up on his feet) ...Hungry! (cut back to Garlic Junior and Kami) GARLIC JR.: So, Kami, you mad that I tried to have you killed? KAMI: More confused why you target Piccolo instead of me. Not that it matters; I'm going to put you down for good, not unlike I did your FATHER, you miserable little-- GARLIC JR.: And I will enjoy watching you failL! Because you see, before you arrived, I used the DragonBalls to grant myself immortality! (starts laughing) KAMI: Wait, so you tried to have me killed, then used the DragonBalls? GARLIC JR.: (stops laughing) What? Yeah, why? Oh, shit... Wow, I dodged a bullet on that one! Thank God my minions are so incompetent! (cut back to inside the hall with Goku knocking all three minions to the ground) GOKU: Now tell me where the meatery is! ...And then the throne room! ...Please tell me the meatery is IN the throne room! (Nikki an Sansho fire a blast at Goku, but their blasts gets redirected by two blasts) Huh? KRILLIN: HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! Hey, Goku! Looks like you could use some help! GOKU: Not really, no. Hey, Krillin! Is that a second power beam? PICCOLO: 'Sup? (Krillin screams and jumps back) GOKU: Oh, hey, Piccolo! GINGER: You alive?! GOKU: Well, of course he's alive! Kami's alive! I mean, you guys have used the DragonBalls, right? GINGER: ...Oh, wow! Yeah! Thank God we incompetent! PICCOLO: Not even gonna lie, this is EXACTLY what I'm looking for in a castle. Walls, ceiling, meatery... GOKU: WHERE?! PICCOLO: (eyes the minions) ..Could do without the spice rack, though. (Krillin is freaking out, when he feels liquid on top of his head, and he looks up to find that Gohan has wandered out and is now peeing on his head) KRILLIN: WHY--- (begins to gurgle as his mouth fills up with urine) (Cut back to Kami and Garlic Jr. who have begun their battle. Kami tries firing eye beams at Garlic Jr, but he evades them and headbutts Kami to a pillar.) GARLIC JR.: (punctuates each word with a blow) WHERE...IS...YOUR...GOD...NOW?! (the last punch sends Kami through the pillar, who manages to hold onto an edge to avoid falling) So, Kami, why don't you pray for your life? And then, like every person who's ever prayed to you, I'll ignore it! (Kami begins to glow) What the-- (Kami uses an Explosive Wave to send Garlic Junior crashing into a wall and landing on his face) (muffled) In case you know... This means war! (cut back to inside the castle) GOKU: Gohan! (runs for the stairs, but his path is once again blocked by the minions) Krillin, I take back what I said! Get my son! KRILLIN: Woo-hoo, I'm helping! (starts running up the stairs, but runs into Sansho) SANSHO: I'ma break your butt! (charges at Krillin, but Piccolo sends a blast through the floor, which causes him to fall) KRILLIN: Oh, thank God he's on our side! (runs after Gohan) PICCOLO: I was aiming for the short, bald one, but...you'll do. SANSHO: You mean! (gets blasted him through a wall) PICCOLO: Not so tough without your two back up dancers, are you, ugly? SANSHO: Now, why you gotta be throwin' out mean words like that?! PICCOLO: You know, that's fair. How about I grab a couple of friends and try to murder you instead? SANSHO: Well personally, I think that would be uncalled for! (Piccolo hits him again, sending him stuck onto a wall) PICCOLO: You're right. Because unlike you.. (finishes off Sansho with a blast) ..I don't need help. (starts walking outside) (deeper inside the castle, Goku is still fighting against Ginger and Nikki, who arm themselves with swords) GOKU: Oh, come on, you guys! That's not fair! I can't pull swords out of my body! NIKKI: STAND STILL AND YOU WILL! (he and Ginger gang up and attacks Goku) GOKU: (while dodging each of their attacks) No, no, no, no, no, no, no! (they cut some of his hair) NO! MY 'DO! (hits block both Nikki and Ginger's attacks with his power pole) STRANGER DANGER! (extends the power pole to send Nikki crashing to the ground) GINGER: That shit gets LONGER?! NIKKI: (muffled, in pain) OH, YEAH, IT DOES! GOKU: GOKU KICK! (kicks Ginger in Nikki's direction) Kamehame... GINGER: You ain't got shit! (fires a blast of his own) GOKU: HA! (fires the Kamehameha wave, which swallows Ginger's blasts and sends him flying in Nikki's direction) NIKKI: (thinking) Friggin' hell... Last time I take on a guy with a pole that big... GINGER: INCOMING!!! NIKKI: OH, MY GOD! (they both get caught in the blast) GINGER: (muffled from underneath the rubble) What a...a douchebag... (groans with his hand becoming limp) (cut Kami and Garlic Jr. now inside the castle, and Kami's not doing any better than he was before) GARLIC JR.: What's wrong, Kami? Fallen and can't get up? Do I need to push that big, red button for you? (Kami stumbles forward and lands on Garlic Jr.'s shoulder) ...Okay, you're making this weird, Kami. KAMI: We'll see how that immortality works out for you when I've blown us both into bits! (locks his arms around Garlic Jr. and begins charging his attack) GARLIC JR.: Oh, really? You want to stress-test this? Sure, go ahead! And while my men are scraping little green chunks off the wall, I'll be partying in my throne room with a harem of sexy demon skanks! Seriously, what part of IMMORTALITY don't you understand? PICCOLO: Actually, I'm with him. I'm gonna have to ask you not to blow yourself up right now. GARLIC JR.: Well, well... It seems you've eluded my men! PICCOLO: Yeah, sure. Let's go with that. GARLIC JR.: Oh God, they're all dead, aren't they? GOKU: Yup! Thank goodness they were so incontinent! GARLIC JR.: Looks like if you want someone killed right...you kill them yourself! PICCOLO: Ooh, I might use that! (Garlic Junior bulks up, being ten times his original size) GOKU: Huh... For a second, there, I swore he was gonna yell out "spaghetti" or something... (Garlic Jr. attacks him and Piccolo and fires a blast, with both of them getting out of the way. Goku grabs Kami to and drops him at a safe distance.) Kami! Stay here and don't move! (takes off) KAMI: I swear if I didn't know you, I'd call you a smartass. (Piccolo throws a punch at Garlic Jr., which does absolutely nothing) GARLIC JR.: (speaking in a more deeper voice) Been bulking since I installed the meatery! GOKU: ( jumps in front of Piccolo and attacks Garlic Junior) Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? GARLIC JR.: I'm sure you can find one in hell! (fires a blast at Goku and Piccolo simultaneously, which causes the castle to start falling apart) (cut to Krillin running to avoide the falling rocks while carrying Gohan) KRILLIN: (repeatedly says, "Crap!" to the Tetris theme) ♪Crap, crap-crap, crap, crap-crap, crap, crap-crap, crap, crap-crap, crap, crap-crap, crap, crap, crap.♪ (gets hit by a massive beam on the head, causing him to fall unconscious and drop Gohan, who gets buried under debris) (cut to Goku hiding from Garlic Junior) GARLIC JR.: TOOT TOOT! (grabs Goku by the head) GOKU: '''Aahh! '''PICCOLO: (thinking) Ugh, my WRIST.. It doesn't hurt a LOT, but it's DEFINITELY uncomfortable.. Maybe I should get a wrist brace or some--'' '''GARLIC JR.:' PAIN TRAIN'S COMING! (grabs Piccolo's head as well) GOKU: Hey, Piccolo! (Garlic Jr. takes both of them outside of the castle by bursting through a wall) GARLIC JR.: Next stop: ROCK BOTTOM! (crushes them both into the ground) GOKU: (muffled) I get it! (he and Piccolo get away) That's it! Takin' off my clothes! (takes off his shirt) PICCOLO: Wait a minute, why would you even bring your weighted gi? GOKU: Why would you? (Piccolo takes off his cape and turban) PICCOLO: Because I don't have a house to leave them in! GOKU: Why don't you just buy a house with the Ox-King's money? PICCOLO: What world do you live in? GOKU: One with a house...and a wife...and a son! PICCOLO: ...I really don't care for you right now. (both he and Goku charge at Garlic Jr.) GARLIC JR.: Give me your best sho-- (Goku and Piccolo blast him simutaneously, sending him flying away) GOKU: And that's the way the garlic crumbles! KAMI: You DO realize he's immortal. PICCOLO: Pretty sure you chop garlic. KAMI: Seriously, he wished for immortality before you showed up! GOKU: Either way, I call this another win for Goku! PICCOLO: 'Scuse me? That was my kill! KAMI: He's going to get up at any moment! He's got this technique, too, and it's-- GOKU: Piccolo, it's not a competition! I already won! KAMI: You can still sense him! He's not-- PICCOLO: I am going to wear your entrails as sweatbands! KAMI: I can literally see the debris SHAKING! (Goku and Piccolo ignore Kami and attack each other, and Garlic Junior gets back up) GARLIC JR.: I AM ONE HUNDRED AND TEN PERCENT DONE! (summons the a dark abyss known as the Dead Zone, which begins sucking up everything, although Goku and Piccolo don't notice until it causes the floor below them crumbples, which causes them to fall) GARLIC JR.: This is the Dead Zone! The SAME dimension you banished my dear father to, Kami! KAMI: So is that how your father receives conjugal visits?! GARLIC JR.: EAT A DICK, YOU WRINKLED GREEN DUSTBIN!! (the dead zone is starting to suck everything into it, including the castle) PICCOLO: NO! My castle! (starts flying towards the Dead Zone, but Goku manages to grab him by the foot) GOKU: Hey, Piccolo! He's not dead! PICCOLO: YEAH, how 'bout that?! KAMI: YEAH, HOW 'BOUT THAT?! PICCOLO: Well, then...this victory is MINE! (fires a blast at Garlic Jr., but it just bounces off) GOKU: ...You want, I should take a turn? PICCOLO: Shove it, Goku! (meanwhile, Krillin regains consciousness as he is being sucked toward the Dead Zone) KRILLIN: OH GOD, NO! GARLIC JR.: EVERYONE IS GETTING SUCKED TODAY! Demons, humans, and Gods alike! It's even sucking up your children! GOHAN: LEAVE MY DADDY ALONE!! (crashes through the debris he was buried under) GARLIC JR.: Huh? GOKU: Gohan?! Krillin, you had one job! GARLIC JR.: Oh, how cute! And what is the four-year-old going to do to stop me? (Gohan sends a blast at him which hits him head on) Ah. (flies inside the Dead Zone, which shatters) (cut to Gohan sleeping in Goku's arms) GOHAN: (wakes up and see Goku) Daddy! GOKU: Hey, son! GOHAN: What happened? GOKU: I don't know! I think I won. GOHAN: You're the best, daddy! GOKU: Uh-huh! Now, let's go han, Go-home! It's almost time for dikfast! (picks up his power pole and walks away with Krillin and Kami) PICCOLO: (watching from above) ...I'm gonna steal that kid. (shows Goku and Gohan heading home on the Flying Nimbus) NARRATOR: And so, the brave Son Goku and his son defeated the evil Garlic Jr.! With the help of Piccolo, Kami, and the greatest ally known to man-kind... KRILLIN: ...The sex master and kung-fu legend-- (cut to Kame House) KRILLIN! NAPPA':' (on the phone) Yeah, okay, so I'm gonna have to stop you right there. First question: WHY would he summon the Dead Zone--the only thing that could defeat him? KRILLIN: Okay, you know, I wrote myself into a corner with that whole immortality thing. Pretty much regretted it immediately after. NAPPA: Second question, I mean no offense: Why exactly were you there? KRILLIN: I do bring a certain humanistic edge to the setting... NAPPA: And WHY did you write yourself getting peed on? KRILLIN: The better question is: how much will you PAY ME to get peed on? NAPPA: ...You're gonna go far in this business. KRILLIN: Woo-hoo! film, Skygina, was eventually produced. It grossed 7 billion Zeni in its first week. Due to Krillin's lack of foresight, however, as well as a convoluted contract, he received no money from the film and was stricken from the credits. He now lives, broke as the day he was born, at Kame House. ("Twlight Zone" by Golden Earring starts playing as the credits roll. Garlic Jr. is shown pounding his fist as he is trapped in the Dead Zone.)